Hoping for Better

Monday was a Bad Day. I unexpectedly found myself in a situation where I had to explain to someone where they stood with me. I thought I did it as kindly as I could, as their standing is not in a good place, but I feared they would take the conversation ill. And they did. But not the whole conversation, just certain parts. Parts that I feel weren't emphasized. I wasn't trying to dissolve any relationship with them, just step back and figure it all out and keep my kids in healthy environments. And on top of it, Brian was in DC for work. Luckily I could call somebody familiar with the situation and regain a sense of okay-ness before bed.

Tuesday started out as a Good Day. I did the dishes, decluttered the kitchen counters, and got some laundry washed and dried. Alan took two good naps and one short one. Sean behaved himself during quiet time. My wonderful father- and mother-in-law came over and talked to me and played with the children - and even tidied for me. It was lovely and nice to talk to adults in person. Then that evening I found out that the person from the day before picked out parts of our conversation and shared them with another. Parts that, taken out of context as they were, could damage a relationship with the person shared with, someone I love very much. Fortunately they talked to me about what was told to them and we got it straightened out. It could have been so devastating.

So, I don't tell you this for your pity. I share this for those who know the situation well enough and would like to know how I feel about it. So they can know that there is more to the story, that it's personal and I'm still figuring out everything. I also share this for words of advice and maybe even quotes about making hard decisions during difficult times. And maybe also because I don't want others who don't know the situation completely to think ill of me.

I feel good, sad and hopeful about my decision and my reasons behind it, which are many and apparently ever-growing.

My next post will be a happy one and full of my chunky baby and crazy tw0-year old.

Settling into the new year

This year I made zero New Year's Resolutions. Actually I have never made any, so this year has been no different than other years in that aspect. But it turns out that trying to improve myself and my life has been something that has swooped down upon me and overcome most other options.

First I found out through one of my favorite blogs that if I read 5 or 6 pages of the Book of Mormon every day (starting a few days ago), I will finish it by Easter. That sounded like a worthy goal. So I've been doing that and it feels good to be reading with a purpose. And while studying it out slowly is amazing and revelatory, reading it more quickly also provides insight I don't normally notice.

Then I challenged my sister to a no-sugar, see-who-can-go-the-longest-without-it competition, the non-winner (see:loser) buying lunch for the winner. It's been since Monday (four days ago) and I've been doing awesome. Except for my constant need for a really good chocolate cake or homemade brownies with ice cream. I feel like I'm not necessarily craving the taste or the sugar, but rather the texture of the former and the flavor explosion of the latter. And the lovely way that dessert fills up the empty parts of my stomach after dinner. But I really like that my pants are really getting to be too big. Too bad I just (like, a month ago) went through all of my clothes and got rid of all the smaller ones. That's a little annoying. Oh well. There are worse things.

And when I stopped eating sugar, that night is when Alan started getting real sleep. Instead of waking up every two, two and a half hours, he went to four or four and a half hours. Bliss! And then I found that bananas affect him ill as well. It's crazy how much better sleep is going for us all!

In addition to no sugar, I've been eliminating most all processed foods and foods that are really not good for you no matter what person or machine made them. I even bought brown rice, quinoa and israeli couscous. I think this will go well.

Then the visiting teaching lesson this month pushed me towards the part of its message that discussed the diversity among women in Relief Society, that the diversity makes us stronger in unity because of the charity we need towards each other to function at our fullest strength. I realized that I need to further extend my charitable feelings to people I've been holding back on for one reason or another. Is it enough to know that I would help them in crisis? Do I extend myself enough to know when the crisis is there? Those are questions that I need to answer for myself. (I'm hoping the answer is yes, but uh, yeah.)

I think my next goal will be to read through the entire Bible this summer. And that would be the only worthy reason I can think of to get an e-reader. But then again, principles are at stake and carrying a Bible around is not the worst thing in the world.

Bullets

• Alan has this intense need to rub his face into whatever he's laying on when he's on his stomach. He also has been teething (why?!) so then he ends up resting his head in his baby drool and maybe snot. He must like having a damp head.
  
• Sean is convinced that if he yells "HEY MORE-NANG!" ("good morning") at the top of his lungs, I will suddenly think it's time for him to get up when I've just tucked him in for naptime. Nice try little buddy.
• I bought kefir last night at the store to see what it was like. It's like yogurt, but drinkable. And it's 99% lactose free (at least the one i bought is), so we're seeing if Alan's dairy problem is actually a lactose problem. It's so good. But I'm still a little nervous to drink it because it's called "kefir" which rhymes with "heifer" and that bothers me a bit.
• I also got lactose free milk. Please let this experiment work!
• My in-laws are way nice. As fun as it would be to live away from all family, I don't know that I could do it for very long. I find that I am extraordinarily needy and they don't seem to mind.
• I got really jealous and sad when talking to my mom the other evening and hearing that all of my siblings and their significant others were over for dinner. It kills me sometimes.
• We got a real giggle from Alan and I promptly forgave him for not sleeping more. I may have un-forgiven him that night.
• When asked his name, Sean responds with "Seaners" and I love it!
• After weeks and weeks of non-stop everything, I took this last week off.
• I can now see why moms hire nannies. It's not so they can go to work or go out with their friends - it's so cooking and cleaning actually happen at some point in the day, as well as a shower. Seriously people.
  
• I got a new chair for Sean to lounge in for his room. As soon as I set it up my rocking chair will be free for me to use with the baby! Unless there is a revolt and I get to use the new chair.
• I'm worried about my friend whose house may have been flooded in Australia. You ok, Sel? DID YOU SAVE THE ANNE BOOKS?! (Because they are obviously your most important possession.)

That is all.

Little review

Sitting here in Mesa, listening to Sean eat cereal, I started reflecting on 2010. It was an interesting year.

We started out calmly and happily. Then we found out we were expecting a baby and morning sickness kicked in. In the spring, family difficulties and HOA drama ensued. Allergies added severe headaches into the mix and Sean and I spent a lot of time upstairs while the house was allowed to get out of control. We all three had our birthdays during this time and Alan gave us a couple of scares. Both times I went in for an ultrasound to find out that nothing was wrong. But it was nice to see him in such a tiny form. We went to Washington and visited family that we love and constantly miss. Our a/c went out and Steven moved into our house. Steven met Melissa and they were engaged by the end of summer. Fall was full of wedding preparations, being hugely pregnant, having a baby, and thanks-giving (in both forms). Then Steven & Melissa got married and we've ended the year the same as we started - visiting our family in Mesa.

There was disappointment when I couldn't do all the fun things with Sean that I'd wanted to before Alan came, like going to the zoo and playing at the park every day and things of that nature, but he seems to have survived and remained happy. There was also a lot of heartache as I watched others around me go through very hard trials, much harder things in comparison to my own (in my opinion).

This year I found gratitude, gained a little humility, increased my understanding of those around me, recognized the blessings of good health when I had it, realized that I could get out of bed and do housework when I am tired, and discovered a need within myself to do my best in all things.

All things considered, this has been a really great year. We are happy, healthy, and feeling very blessed.